I don't know if this is the place for this, or not. This blog is supposed to be about my daughter - so that we (and family and friends) have a record of how she is growing. And, yet, here I am. Talking about how I am doing. I don't know if this is the place; but what I do know, is that not talking about it makes it worse. My biggest complaint about blogging and facebooking - is that it fosters a false sense of relationship. Because we read all about eachothers day-to-day lives, we feel falsly close. We feel like we know the person. It can't be true - I know that many don't know me, so how can I know you?
So, for better or worse, here I am. I am telling you all of my struggles. I will not be offended (or even know) if you just go to the next blog. But, at least I know I am being honest. I am not perfect, and that is hard for me. So, while I will still be updating about KayLynn; I will also be exploring my struggle with anxiety, because that affects my family and especially my daughter.
Maybe my journey can help you if you are struggling, either by letting you know that you are not alone, or by talking. Or, maybe I will just help me, by not feeling so isolated! I don't want to be a fake person anymore. And, whether others are comfortable or not - that means being real. From now on, you will see the real (sinful, imperfect) me.
Andrea wrote on her blog that we don't talk about our struggles. Not me, here I am - the open book.
Sometimes I feel like since I located the problem, it should be fixed. Right?!? I have found that even though I know I am suffering with anxiety, have accepted the fact and have moved forward, it is still with me. Last night I had to have a long talk with my husband explaining that I feel like I have split personalities. I feel like I am outside of my body watching myself overreact and yet am not able to stop it. I take all help from my wonderful husband as a commentary on how I am not able to do it. How ridiculous is that? I mean, obviously. Why would the Lord have given me a 'help meet' if I didn't need help?
I know that I am getting better, this weekend I actually made 2 home-cooked meals, and finished a project I have been wanting to do for a while. But, I also have a long way to go. I have to keep repenting when I use harsh angry (uncalled for) words with my husband for taking care of me and I need to get out of the 'habit' of being overwhelmed. I have to keep repenting by not playing a martyr and taking 'time off' when I need it. I have to keep working out because it gives me good endorphins and a healthy outlet. I have to keep remembering that being overwhelmed is not a sin, but how I deal with it can be.
Also as part of my repenting and being healthy, I will be praying for you. I know that some of you have been overwhelmed - whether its with having another child in the mix, feeling like a single parent because your husband has to work a lot, or just life. I will be adding you to my prayers. Thank you for your support - it means a lot to me.