Monday, September 20, 2010

A new phase of honesty

I don't know if this is the place for this, or not. This blog is supposed to be about my daughter - so that we (and family and friends) have a record of how she is growing. And, yet, here I am. Talking about how I am doing. I don't know if this is the place; but what I do know, is that not talking about it makes it worse. My biggest complaint about blogging and facebooking - is that it fosters a false sense of relationship. Because we read all about eachothers day-to-day lives, we feel falsly close. We feel like we know the person. It can't be true - I know that many don't know me, so how can I know you?

So, for better or worse, here I am. I am telling you all of my struggles. I will not be offended (or even know) if you just go to the next blog. But, at least I know I am being honest. I am not perfect, and that is hard for me. So, while I will still be updating about KayLynn; I will also be exploring my struggle with anxiety, because that affects my family and especially my daughter.

Maybe my journey can help you if you are struggling, either by letting you know that you are not alone, or by talking. Or, maybe I will just help me, by not feeling so isolated! I don't want to be a fake person anymore. And, whether others are comfortable or not - that means being real. From now on, you will see the real (sinful, imperfect) me.

Andrea wrote on her blog that we don't talk about our struggles. Not me, here I am - the open book.

Sometimes I feel like since I located the problem, it should be fixed. Right?!? I have found that even though I know I am suffering with anxiety, have accepted the fact and have moved forward, it is still with me. Last night I had to have a long talk with my husband explaining that I feel like I have split personalities. I feel like I am outside of my body watching myself overreact and yet am not able to stop it. I take all help from my wonderful husband as a commentary on how I am not able to do it. How ridiculous is that? I mean, obviously. Why would the Lord have given me a 'help meet' if I didn't need help?

I know that I am getting better, this weekend I actually made 2 home-cooked meals, and finished a project I have been wanting to do for a while. But, I also have a long way to go. I have to keep repenting when I use harsh angry (uncalled for) words with my husband for taking care of me and I need to get out of the 'habit' of being overwhelmed. I have to keep repenting by not playing a martyr and taking 'time off' when I need it. I have to keep working out because it gives me good endorphins and a healthy outlet. I have to keep remembering that being overwhelmed is not a sin, but how I deal with it can be.

Also as part of my repenting and being healthy, I will be praying for you. I know that some of you have been overwhelmed - whether its with having another child in the mix, feeling like a single parent because your husband has to work a lot, or just life. I will be adding you to my prayers. Thank you for your support - it means a lot to me.


Deenie said...

Have you tried taking extra Vitamin D? My doctor suggested it (and she has me taking 4000 U per day) and it has REALLY helped made me much less anxious.

Tina said...

Not a bad idea...I will try it.

Erika said...

I happen to love how real you are, especially on your blog! I love that you list all the things that you have done and haven't in a day...Lord knows I look at my day a lot and cannot figure out what I did, so I have felt very comfortable knowing that not everyone out there is making three full meals a day and doing projects on the side. I think sometimes that isn't real life's what people want you to see. ;)
I'm here with ya, even if I'm not commenting!!!

Leanne said...

Tina, I think you can identify with more of us than you think. It is easy to read others blogs and feel so alone in daily life. Like you're the only one struggling to keep up. It sure seems like some have so many extra hours in the day, doesn't it? But, in comes the duty of being content no matter our circumstances, something I struggle with way too much. Thank you for sharing with us all, your friends. Praying for you and your family as you pinpoint your struggles, and seek to overcome them, with only the help the Lord can provide.

jbhinman said...

Thank you all for sharing and I agree. Anxiety is something I have struggled with as well. I am thankful for the woman that have helped me through it. Continue to reach out and ask for help. God has put people in our lives to help. Call me anytime. Love you!

Andrea said...

Thanks for posting this. Sometimes it's so hard to be real amidst all of the online personas and relationships. I get bogged down by it all. I admire you for being frank about your anxiety. I have it too and I definitely understand the feelings of inadequacy and not being able to "fix" yourself. I have so much more to say on the subject, but for now... thanks for your prayers. :) I'll be praying for you, too.