Mama's Tea
Ingredients: water
1 tea bag
1.) While balancing baby in one arm, pick up tea kettle with free hand. Using kettle-laden arm, nudge faucet to begin running water. Swing kettle under running water at just enough angle to keep handle from getting wet.
2.) Turn on stove, set kettle on to boil. (You'll know the stove is good and hot when the water that you accidentally dripped down the kettle during swinging/filling action begin to sizzle.) Sit down to nurse hungry baby.
3.) Interrupt quieted/eating baby with kettle whistle. Walk over to stove while still holding and nursing baby to turn off burner. Settle back into nursing, while warding off acrobatic toddler attempting to terrorize formerly calm baby.
4.) Finish feeding baby and realize tea water is no longer hot. Turn stove back on and replace kettle.
5.) Set baby down and begin preparing toddler's breakfast.
6.) While toddler is eating set out tea bag and mug that is clean or most suits the day's mood.
6.) When kettle begins to whistle again, let it go a little longer while you use washcloth to clean yogurt out of toddler's hair. Continue to let kettle whistle louder until it begins to drown out toddler Tarzan's yells.
7.) Get Tarzan out of highchair, throw washcloth in sink, use wet hands to pick up kettle (hear sizzling as water drips from hands to stove, indicating that your stove is in good, working order).
8.) Pour boiling water into mug with tea bag. Inevitably sucking tea bag tag down into pool of tea water.
9.) Let tea steep on counter while you change baby's diaper.
10.) Continue to let tea steep on counter while you change toddler's diaper.
11.) Remove tea bag from mug, using spoon since tag is completely water-logged. The change in volume should leave a dark ring around inside of mug, indicating tea was left to steep longer than is necssary. Throw tea bag in trash can.
12.) Add milk to tea to offset extreme, overly steeped darkness.
13.) Pick up fussing baby, add sugar.
13.) Put fussing baby down for a nap, return to tea.
14.) Realize tea is now cold, zap in microwave for a few seconds.
15.) Note smell arising from toy room, take toddler for a second diaper change.
16.) While upstairs, decide to put away laundry and clean up books.
17.) Remember tea, now cold again. Zap in microwave a few more seconds.
18.) Remove from microwave, add sugar. Realize mid-pour you've already done that earlier and immediately stop, spilling sugar on counter.
19.) Mop up sugar. Stir tea with spoon.
20.) Pick up tea bag toddler retrieved from trash can and swung around the room. Replace in trash.
21.) Let tea sit and cool "just a bit" while reading books to toddler.
22.) Recall tea, take a few lukewarm sips while toddler hangs off legs asking for a movie.
23.) Put movie in for toddler.
24.) Receive phone call from student, provide 15 minutes of counseling.
25.) Recall tea, take a few cool sips, check email.
26.) Hear baby wake from nap. Nurse baby with one hand and attempt to take a few more sips of tea with other. Dribble tea on baby when the spoon you forgot to remove slides around the rim and bumps you on then nose. Momentarily panic that you have burned your child. Then realize the baby didn't even notice because by now tea is thoroughly cooled.
27.) Change diaper, take sip of tea. Play with puzzles, take sip of tea. Chase toddler outside, leave tea on counter.
28.) Make lunch, feed Tarzan. Recall tea, add ice and serve with lunch.
