Monday, September 17, 2012

It's just so damn hard

I know that's harsh, but...well... I hate to write this kind of blog post, but I just can't write platitudes today, and I need to get it off my shoulders! I haven't written in a long time because this(homemaking/mothering/wifeing)is hard work. I am doing it and we are all making it, but even on good days i feel like I am treading water. I told Max last night that I just feel empty. Everyone needs me right now and I just don't have a lot more to give. I can feed bellya and wipe buns and I'm barely keeping up with the house, but that's all I've got right now. I have never been this consistently tired in my life. They call preemies perpetual newborns for a son is 2 months and 25 days old and still wakes every 2.5 hours at night. To top that off my daughter has started to wake at night. I think it's an attention thing(she did the same thing when I started working full time when she was little...she just needs the attention), but it's taking it out of me. I know that the Lord will never give me more than I can handle, but sometimes I don't actually believe it! I'm praying and hanging in there; but... if I don't seem very life-like when you talk to me, please forgive me and I will make it up later!


Alicia said...

oh my goodness, I can totally relate! Nothing sucked the life out of me more than having my second child! I thought two was supposed to be "easy," but I didn't leave our house for months (once we got home from NYC). And Gabriella wasn't a preemie, but she was/is still really emotionally needy so she even at 15 months still wakes up usually once during the night. All that to say, you aren't alone and I'm so sorry that you are feeling so depleted. Those feelings will level out and you will have a new normal that isn't so hard on you physically and emotionally, but in the meantime, know that I'm praying for you to rest - even if it is just emotionally and for God's grace to give you even more strength than you physically need. And that no one will give you the pep talk to "enjoy this while it lasts" because if we are honest with ourselves, the only way to get through this phase sometimes is the promise that it won't last forever.
love and hugs!

Grandma T said...

T, honey I know it is hard and while you may not see it now..... you are an amazing mom to two children that thrive under your guidance and you are an amazing wife that gives her husband as much as she can right now and you keep it all together in a warm and loving home. It is sooooo O.K not to feel like you are able to give everyone everything they neeed from you ALL at the same time. We are human and no one is perfect , but I think you do your very best to try to reach that goal and I know our Father is so very proud of you and the family that you have made. I love you honey and I am praying for you and the family. Know that God is with you always and he will listen when you talk to him.He will listen when you cry and he will listen when you scream I need help.