A new phase of honesty

I don't know if this is the place for this, or not. This blog is supposed to be about my daughter - so that we (and family and friends) have a record of how she is growing. And, yet, here I am. Talking about how I am doing. I don't know if this is the place; but what I do know, is that not talking about it makes it worse. My biggest complaint about blogging and facebooking - is that it fosters a false sense of relationship. Because we read all about eachothers day-to-day lives, we feel falsly close. We feel like we know the person. It can't be true - I know that many don't know me, so how can I know you?



So, for better or worse, here I am. I am telling you all of my struggles. I will not be offended (or even know) if you just go to the next blog. But, at least I know I am being honest. I am not perfect, and that is hard for me. So, while I will still be updating about KayLynn; I will also be exploring my struggle with anxiety, because that affects my family and especially my daughter.



Maybe my journey can help you if you are struggling, either by letting you know that you are not alone, or by talking. Or, maybe I will just help me, by not feeling so isolated! I don't want to be a fake person anymore. And, whether others are comfortable or not - that means being real. From now on, you will see the real (sinful, imperfect) me.



Andrea wrote on her blog that we don't talk about our struggles. Not me, here I am - the open book.



Sometimes I feel like since I located the problem, it should be fixed. Right?!? I have found that even though I know I am suffering with anxiety, have accepted the fact and have moved forward, it is still with me. Last night I had to have a long talk with my husband explaining that I feel like I have split personalities. I feel like I am outside of my body watching myself overreact and yet am not able to stop it. I take all help from my wonderful husband as a commentary on how I am not able to do it. How ridiculous is that? I mean, obviously. Why would the Lord have given me a 'help meet' if I didn't need help?



I know that I am getting better, this weekend I actually made 2 home-cooked meals, and finished a project I have been wanting to do for a while. But, I also have a long way to go. I have to keep repenting when I use harsh angry (uncalled for) words with my husband for taking care of me and I need to get out of the 'habit' of being overwhelmed. I have to keep repenting by not playing a martyr and taking 'time off' when I need it. I have to keep working out because it gives me good endorphins and a healthy outlet. I have to keep remembering that being overwhelmed is not a sin, but how I deal with it can be.



Also as part of my repenting and being healthy, I will be praying for you. I know that some of you have been overwhelmed - whether its with having another child in the mix, feeling like a single parent because your husband has to work a lot, or just life. I will be adding you to my prayers. Thank you for your support - it means a lot to me.

Taking time to stop and smell the roses

Last night...

I tickled KayLynn. I love her laugh. I asked her where her laugh comes from and she said her mouth. So, I told her to open her mouth and I tickled her - she's right!

We had a fashion show. KayLynn tried on all of the clothes we could find to see what fits her (not much) and what does not. Each time, she had to go show daddy. We foudn a few items to leave in the 'dress up' box and one coat that actually covers her (yeah!). I got a special kick out of the dress that was 2T and did not completely cover her little hinney... Not kidding, this girl is tall. The funny thing is that its not legs, in fact they are pretty short - she is all torso...she probably gets that from Granny Tam.

We did chores and cleaned up her room.

We ate carrots together, and everytime she ate one, I jumped up and down and screamed yeah - causing convulsive laughs that made me think she might choke! Ooops.

And, I did not feel guilty that I wasn't doing something else!

Healing begins with repentance

I have been realizing lately that I am very overwhelmed - but not just when a situation calls for it. I am overwhelmed with everything. For example, lately just the thought of having to put KayLynn to bed without Max, overwhelms me. It finally hit a head on Monday and I looked up the symptoms of Anxiety. Yep. That's me, I thought. I had 5 of the 8 emotional symptoms and 8 of the 10 physical symptoms. And, it hit me like a news flash - I am not superwoman, and the Lord (or anyone else for that matter) does not require that of me. In fact the Lord specifically says that we are not enough and we never will be - that's why we have Him.


A lot of my symptoms all started because of the sin of desiring to be and do all. I am repenting of that sin every minute - especially for the pain that it has caused those who love me and have been trying to take care of me. Especially for the pain I have caused my sweet and loving husband, who wanted to take care of me - but I would not let him.

So, in an effort to Repent, I will following what the article says for Self Help for Anxiety. I think that for now, this is how I will start

**Of course, I will be adding to the list: constant prayer and bible reading**


Their questions:
Do you make time each day for relaxation and fun?
KayLynn provides me lots of fun, and we will be scheduling my time off, and I will be calling some of you for some much needed fellowship!
Are you getting the emotional support you need?
I am finally allowing my amazing husband to help, as well as a few others, and with constant prayer...
Are you taking care of your body?
I have started working out with consistently - I joined Max's gym and he is going with me 3 times a week
Are you overloaded with responsibilities?
I have quit my second job or rather given my 'two weeks'
Do you ask for help when you need it?
I am asking


So, please pray for me (and Max) as I implement these in my life, and pray that the Lord will help me cast my burdens upon Him and not try to be superwoman.